One of my biggest fears as a parent is raising kids who can’t launch into adulthood on their own. My hope is that by 26, three years after college to find their footing, they can support themselves without my money. If they can’t, I’m afraid I’ll feel like I failed them as a father.
So I was fascinated when a fellow writer, Allison Raskin, penned a fascinating and brave Substack article about her inferiority complex from still depending on her father for money at age 37. She feels guilty that her father pays for her childcare expenses and lets her, her husband, and her newborn live rent-free in a house he owns. Naturally, she questions whether she is a “real adult.”
As a personal finance writer since 2009 with an emphasis on achieving financial independence sooner rather than later (FIRE), my initial reaction was that it's hard to claim real adulthood in such a scenario. Still depending on your parents after 26, let alone at 37, seems quite long in the tooth.
By 37, I had already been retired for three years after working 60+ hours a week for 13 years, getting my MBA part-time, and saving most of my income. I simply did not have the privilege to rely on my parents financially because they were not wealthy as government employees. Therefore, I had to rely on myself.
What About The Husband?
I wasn't envious of Allison's situation. I was sad. Because there's something deeply satisfying about making it on your own. Even if you had to share a studio apartment for years and work 14-hour days partly for access to the free cafeteria, in retrospect, the sacrifice was worth it.
If you're still relying on your parents to cover your fundamental bills at 37, with a family of your own, how is that meaningfully different from being a child under 18? Maybe Allison can be considered an adult still on scholarship.
Then I wondered about her husband. I know it's become common for the woman to be the breadwinner. It's also quite common to see a man claim FIRE while his wife still works and provides. We call this WiFI, or Wife Financial Independence. But that doesn't seem to be the case here. Neither of them is carrying the load. So is he OK with another man providing for his wife and child?
Perhaps I'm too old school, but I'd feel uncomfortable having another man pay my family's bills, especially past 30. I would not want to feel constantly indebted to my father-in-law every time we sat down for Thanksgiving dinner. But maybe this is a cultural shift I've missed because I’ve been out of the workforce for so long.
It's Natural To Get Used To Privilege
Despite these thoughts, more power to Allison and her husband for having a parent who is willing and able to support their lives. Goodness knows it's expensive to buy a house in LA and raise a family.
Once I started thinking about Allison's situation as a father, my definition of a real adult softened. If I have the financial means to help my two children launch into adulthood, I will, so long as they remain good people. It's a terrible idea to die and leave an inheritance to your 50+-year-old children when your capital could help them most when they're first starting out.
Granted, still providing for your children 15 years after they graduate college seems excessive. And I'd probably have a stern sit down with my son-in-law, leather belt with a huge buckle resting on the side table, as I ask him why he isn't grinding harder to provide for his family. But all the same, I would help my children financially if they were struggling.
Here’s a podcast episode I did with a reader with young kids who bought a new construction home in expensive Los Angeles.
Setting A Precedent By Paying For An Expensive College
Allison went to the University of Southern California, one of the most expensive private universities in the country. Today, the all-in cost to attend USC is over $100,000 a year. If you go to such a school and your parents pay for everything, you're obviously well off. It's understandable to get used to wealth and privilege when plenty of your classmates are wealthy too.
Then she attended Pepperdine University, an equally expensive private college, for a Master's in Psychology. The privilege compounds.
I've thought about this situation for my own kids because it's going to be next to impossible for them to get into a top 25 university, let alone with free grants, given today's hyper competition and identity roulette. But now that USC is firmly ranked in the top 25, I would most likely pay full freight for either child to attend.
I know I'll feel terrible spending so much money on education when everything can be learned online for free. After all, I've been writing for free to help people build wealth since 2009. But I doubt I'll be able to deny my children's dreams just to save money when the time comes.
That's What 529 Plans Are For
Providing educational opportunities is the main reason why we superfunded two 529 plans when each of our children was born. Each plan has grown to over $450,000, with nine and twelve years still to go before college.
Perhaps there will be money left over after four years at an expensive school like USC to fund another one to three years at an expensive school like Pepperdine for a Master's degree.
I've already written off the values of both 529 plans from my net worth calculations. So if there is still leftover money, I'll use the funds for generational wealth transfer purposes for my future grandkids. I'd rather gift education than money. And I know if I live long enough to be blessed with grandkids I would do anything for them too.
It's Hard To Make Money In The Arts
As the author of three books so far, with a fourth on the way entitled Your Children Will Be OK, I understand how difficult it is to make a living as a writer. I write because I love to think and banter. But there is no way in hell I'd be able to support my family of four on a writer's income alone.
A top 1% book advance starts at about $250,000. Sounds great until you realize it gets paid out over two or three years, which means $83,333 to $125,000 a year before taxes and agent fees. We already established that it now costs over $400,000 for a family of four to live comfortably in San Francisco. And most books never sell enough copies to earn out their advance. Even when they do, the author only earns about $1 to $3 per book in royalties.
Allison is a NY Times bestselling author, podcaster, screenwriter, and freelance writer. Yet she and her husband still cannot afford their own childcare and a single-family home. Don't take my word for how hard it is to earn a livable wage as a creative. Allison is the proof.
Let's Not Crush Our Children's Creativity
But here's the funny and sad part. Plenty of children grow up loving to write, draw, sing, act, and dance. Due to the high cost of living, most are forced to study more practical fields to generate a livable income once they hit college.
Eventually, the creativity we all had as kids gets squashed by the necessity of money. Our souls slowly disappear as we work jobs we don't love, either due to society's expectations or the need to pay the bills.
FIRE solves this problem by giving your soul a chance to re-grow after leaving a job you despised. But you need to successfully forecast your misery years in advance in order to break free sooner.
Part of having wealth, as Allison's dad surely does, is so our children don't have to pursue soul-sucking work they aren't passionate about. If they want to attend the most expensive school like USC to major in one of the poorest-paying professions, screenwriting, then so be it. Because when our children are happy, we parents are happy.
It's OK To Be A Financially Dependent Adult
Part of me still stands with the villagers holding pitchforks. Being 37 and dependent on your parents when you have a functioning brain and body has to eat away at your self-esteem. At the same time, Allison didn't choose to be born into a wealthy family with a father who wants to provide for her.
The thing is, the father in me can't fully condemn a situation I might one day happily fund myself. That would be hypocritical. I love my daughter so much that I'm afraid I'll spoil her, paying for the most expensive private university and then supporting her afterward when that degree delivers a lousy ROI.
So to the Allisons out there in their 30s and 40s still depending on their parents to survive, I say it's OK. You're still an adult, especially if you have children and keep them alive, safe, and loved. So long as your financial needs aren't putting your parents' retirement in jeopardy, you're good to go.
And to the partners and husbands of the Allisons of the world who can't make enough to provide for your family, that's OK too. In today's society, one of the biggest flexes a man can have is a working wife who supports the family.
An equally impressive luxury is having wealthy in-laws so neither of you has to work as hard. Embrace the privilege and pursue work that is meaningful to you. If you can't provide for your wife and children financially, you can always provide more of your time. You will not regret spending more time with your children or your parents, who still support you.
Being Financially Independent Should Still Be The Goal
Yes, we should still encourage our daughters to be financially independent from their husbands or partners, given breakups happen all the time. Being financially dependent on anyone as an adult is suboptimal. But if your parents are wealthy enough to buy you all of life's most expensive things, accept their generosity with grace.
You can reduce the guilt by not wasting the privilege. Every extra hour you commit to your craft, and every new person you entertain, help, or inspire, will make you and your parents proud. But if you know you should be doing more and aren't while being supported, that guilt will grow and fester.
I don't want my adult children, or my future son-in-law and daughter-in-law, to feel like losers if they can't fully provide for themselves despite trying their hardest. The world is more competitive than ever, and effort doesn't always translate into income.
If they're grinding away at their craft, raising their kids well, and contributing something to the world, the Bank of Mom and Dad will stay open.
No Lounging Around
But here's the catch. If I ever catch them playing tennis at the club at 10 am on a Tuesday, then brunching until 2 pm while virtue signaling about how hard things are, they're cut off. Privilege is rocket fuel, not a hammock.
So take the money if you must. Just don't take the money and produce nothing, because at that point you're not a dependent adult. You're an expensive child.
And if that stings a little, good. It's supposed to. Now go produce something.
Reader Questions And Suggestions
Readers, can you be considered a true adult if you're still financially dependent on your parents? At what age should parental support end, if ever? And if you're a parent, how much would you be willing to support your adult children?
To build more wealth, pick up a copy of my USA Today bestseller Millionaire Milestones: Simple Steps To Seven Figures. It will give you the courage to live a life more true to yourself. Also, keep an eye out for my upcoming book, Your Children Will Be OK: Helping Them Navigate An Uncertain Future, where I tackle exactly these questions as a full-time father of two.
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What’s the point of making money if not to spend it on your loved ones? Enabling laziness of bad behavior shouldn’t be done but that obviously not what’s happening in this case.
I would rather turn tricks than ask my parents for money. I have siblings who take/expect money from my parents and they are a combination of irresponsible, undisciplined, and selfish. Those traits show up in their parenting too, and their children suffer for it. So no, you can’t be a respected adult if you are reliant on your parents for your daily living. And yes, other people see you in that light.
This is absolutely different from grand/parents who want to occasionally, no-strings-attached, gift money as part of their estate. Completely different motivation.
I don’t think most of us can relate to the kind of money that Allison has, but if I was in her shoes, I wouldn’t write about it. As first generation Indians, we payed for our kids ivy educations, we don’t believe in debt. They have good degrees and jobs, not enough to buy a home in their expensive cities but they are self sufficient. My sister on the other hand, also a first generation immigrant and with more money than us, had her kids get sports scholarships. In my eyes it’s immoral, leave the scholarships for the needy. Unfortunately or fortunately, our mindset will not change and yes, when we die, our kids will inherit a decent amount, but they’ll have to wait for it
So the question is, when will you be providing down payments for your children? Or is it not necessary simply a matter of time since they have good jobs?
Ha, you know me well I would love to, but we have 2 houses and can’t afford it. I have said to them that one of you is our retirement plan. We’ll build an adu or something, then we can sell at least one house and use for a sizable down payment. We didn’t know that one needs long term health insurance and are now too old. It’s cheaper to get in home care, hence my retirement plan. And before anyone thinks we’ll be burdening them, we have enough to provide in home care and I don’t want them to have to look after us, as we are doing for my MIL, who has no Medicare.
A good retirement plan! Hope that keeps them motivated. But I know that in Indian culture, taking care of your parents is a duty that must not be shirked.
Glad they are well paid enough to buy their own houses!
oh my. I can’t imagine being financially dependent on my parents at age 37. Breaking free was one of my biggest priorities when I was a college student. I wanted to not only get far away from home, I didn’t want to have any strings still attached to my parents.
I chose a public college, had a PT job as a student, and graduated fast because I wanted to start my life and launch. That’s not to say that her way is wrong, but I just couldn’t be comfortable with that myself.
Education cost, career choices, and lifestyle all make a huge difference of course on how things work out for young adults. I don’t expect my kids to do the same thing I did because they’re different people but I do hope they develop an independent streak that helps them launch. It will certainly help me worry less as they grow up.
How about the 35 year old VC who bought a $10 million house at age 31 with her husband, making it seem like they bought it? When she just became a VC at age 32, and her wealthy parents bought it for them? That’s annoying.
But you can’t fault the husband for going along with it!
(not me but) I’ve seen it plenty. The way everyone saves face is talking about the need to avoid estate tax and concepts like “getting a portion of inheritance early.”
Not for me, but there are worse things than being financially dependent on your family. There are many people who do pay their own way who otherwise don’t act like adults.
She’s paying the price with identity and self esteem questions. Interesting that she works as a relationship coach. She didn’t mention tension in her marriage, but money is one of the top things couples argue about.
I’d file this under the case for “stealth wealth” regardless of where the money comes from. Seems like asking for nasty comments.
“There are many people who do pay their own way who otherwise don’t act like adults” — this is a very important pointing….along with the acknowledgment that many successful ppl I know have made it on the backs of others, causing their “underlings” to suffer financially – or by taking advantage of others in sales, etc.
A very interesting piece from Sam and kudos to Allison for penning the piece (provided she wasn’t just doing it for clicks!)
Being on the parental dole until 35 is not a recipe for success. If you can’t afford your lifestyle because you chose a poor major or can’t get a better job, adjust your lifestyle. It makes you a loser. See: Millionaire Next Door “economic outpatient care”
Sam,
There is a finance expression all money is fungible. Providing your kids with the half million dollars for college which they will likely never spend all of it, so you’re going to fund their IRA with the remainder, then you want to provide $1 million so they can start a business. I’m struggling to see the difference in providing support at 37 and providing 1,500,000 in resources in their 20s. Both scenarios have the appearance to be rooted in “I want feel good about myself” not what kids need.
Indeed. But I think it’s more about being a responsible provider for the ones you love the most who didn’t ask to be born, then finding the right balance.
How are you providing for your children?
The honest answer is somewhat. I am much older than you so “kids” are early 40s now and very self sufficient. I did have a conversation that after college they were on there own. With that said I did provide help with down payments and family vacations. We have many conversations about personal finance, side hustles, and careers etc.
Today I feel comfortable giving them significant money (I haven’t yet) because they can clearly handle it. I struggling with the “why” do it. So they love me more….please. They are successful, what message am I sending by giving them giving life changing money? One kid commented knowing you were there was all I needed. i would like your thoughts on giving since you are close in age.
When we die we plan to give most money to charity.
The one thing I’m most curious about at the moment is how your son-in-law felt, or daughter-in-law felt, when you gifted them down payments and paid for their vacations.
Did they push back at all and say they got this, and maybe even offered to pay for your vacations instead? Or did they just accept all your gifts with open arms?
Because it’s kind of like who pays for dinner. In my culture, we fight for the bill, and you will not win if we go out to eat. But if you don’t even put up and even Small fight to pay the bill or say, I got the next one or whatever, that might feel off.
I forgot to mention as a kid we never went out to dinner. So even today for me it is a big treat (we now do it 3 or 4 times per week).It just a habit I generally pick up the bill no matter what (my ego). So vacations were a continuation of that, never really had anything come up. I did have a string with down payment I asked that they keep that money to themselves and not tell in-laws parents. I think they did but who knows.
Sam (you financially very successful) if your Father was in a position to give you say multi seven figures of cash. How would you feels about accepting it, given what you have accomplished on your own?
I think it is a tell that you told them not to tell the other parents. Because doesn’t that show you kind of feel bad for providing so much financial help? If not, what was the reason for you telling them not to tell the other parents?
If my parents were rich enough to say they have millions of dollars to give me now, I would flat out tell them no and work with them to come up with a satisfying game plan on how to Bender spend it on themselves and other people who could benefit more. But one of those suggestions would be to encourage them to super fun 529 plans for their unborn grandchildren.
I don’t know what I would do with the money anyway except to keep Financial Tips going given it costs thousands of dollars a year to run and figure out more financial gymnastics on ensuring my kids will be OK.
What an interesting read!
Before having kids, I don’t think I would have understood people in Allison’s situation. Particularly because I grew up without the privileged environment that some kids luckily had. Like where parents invest heavily, both with time and money, to give them a real head start in life. That just wasn’t my situation. I also never got financial help from my parents after becoming an “adult”. No lump sum for a down payment on a house, no help building a retirement account, nothing like that.
I also would never feel comfortable being on the receiving end of ongoing financial support from my parents. If anything, I feel like it should be the other way around. I don’t know if this is a pride thing or not.
But now that I have kids on my own, I totally understand Allison’s situation. Through a lot of luck and dedication, I’ve now built a life where I can actually give my own kids what I didn’t have. I can invest in their success now, and if they ever need financial help down the road, I’m in a position to give it to them, like the way Allison’s parents are providing for her.
Her having those feelings and thoughts makes me believe that she’s very self-aware, and that she’s making the best out of a good situation. She seems very grateful too. If my daughter was on the receiving end like her, I would hope that she would have a similar perspective (receiving it with gratitude and not taking it for granted).
Yes, this is definitely the case where actually being in someone else’s shoes can greatly change your perspective. I’m positive the vast majority of people without kids will look at this situation and bust out their pitchforks. But once they have children of their own, it’s hard not to what to provide everything for them, especially if they are doing work that makes their souls sing.
My only question is, what’s up with her husband? Where’s the pride in finally saying “thank you for all your support, I’ve got this now”?
But I’m also assuming as a dad, it will ALWAYS feel good to help your children, even just a little, as we want to be part of their lives. And if we are retired, it gives us a greater purpose for being… to feel needed and wanted is a wonderful thing. I just hope our kids still call and visit us when we’re old…
Allison I can understand. Mom & Dad paying for everything is probably all she knows.
But the husband…I wonder how he rationalizes perpetuating the situation. I hope its not old-school to say he’s responsible for his household. Also the obvious influence FIL has on their life decisions since he pays for everything. He’s a grown man with kids of his own yet he’s functionally living a life he can’t afford off an allowance from FIL, from how this reads.
Even if FIL is rich enough that the money doesnt impact him, I wouldn’t be able to do it either Sam. It would feel weird.
I could do it for 1-2 years in my 20s, especially if we’re poor and still building our base. Then I would 100% pay my FIL back everything, plus interest in various ways.
But getting support 14-15 years after college is an eternity to save, invest, and build wealth. And maybe that’s the trap. If I’m getting supporting by my FIL for 15 years, why save? YOLO spend! And that’s something generous parents need to consider, b/c removing the incentive to save and invest is dangerous.
But as hopefully a FIL myself one day I would love to improve the odds that my daughter and son-in-law actually come visit me, and with my grandchildren. So if it takes providing a then $5 million house and $120,000 a year for childcare to insure I get to see my loved ones…. it may be a small price to “pay,” especially if it already feels good helping.
We all know plenty of situations where adult children completely check out of their parents lives, especially when they are lonely and could use them most. So sad.
This is an easy one …….the parents failed. They did not do their job and their daughter is a failure. We can go into all kinds of excuses but that is the truth.
Is it that easy though? How are you ensuring your kids become financially independent from you? And at what age is depending on your parents no longer acceptable?
I think it is that easy, yes. Fairly clear cut.
Whaaattt?
Seriously, how have they exactly failed? Because they’re still providing financial support?
Thank you for being blunt. Its good for people to hear these things which used to be commonly agreed upon.
This topic deserves a deep dive with the question, “How much should we help our kids?” You did touch on it and it seems situational depending upon the adult childs work/lifestyle habits. I am frankly tired of hearing the “everything is so expensive” line. People who can’t afford it simply can’t go out to brunch (or any meal), drive expensive cars, and live in the most desirable neighborhoods.
Like you Sam, those grinding years living with roommates, eating in cafeterias, working every hour possible is what builds your grit for the rest of your life. You summed it up nicely under the last paragraph “No lounging around” So again, IMO, all your questions are highly situational.